I want to share with you guys my yesterday morning. God worked really powerfully on me. I think the best way is for me to give you an edited version of my journal entry that I wrote during the moment. Here you go.
It was a dark couple of days. Last night I called home to ask for prayer because I was retreating into a very dark place as a defense against the onslaught of [some stuff]. My mind and heart have been torturing, attacking ... making considerable pain and confusion.
I call home and end up venting very openly and honestly. A lot of pain. A lot of chaos. A lot of darkness. My mom's heart was hurting as I told her things. My dad even got on the line.
To add to it all, Patrick told me that I am doing "Come To Jesus" as a special on Sunday. That was the song played at Robin's memorial service when they displayed pictures of her with the people she loved and who loved her. Ther was a picture of her with Eli and I. That moment broke me. All the love. It's the most bittersweet, most beautiful thing I've ever felt. "Fly to
Jesus. Fly to Jesus. Fly to Jesus and live." I can't think it without choking up. I can't get over that. I don't want to get over it.
I was already withdrawing and becoming angry as my internal defenses were going wild and I was fighting at the walls going up. And how was I going to do this song? I'd have to turn off my heart, and that's what I did to even listen to the song as Patrick play it for me through the afternoon. I was cold and dark as I ordered the music which I will have two days to be able to perform.
I was really upset on the phone with Mom and Dad (and I'm so thankful that I can call them and that they are there to help me through things). I resolved to contat Patrick and say I wasn't going to do the song. Per Mom's suggestion, thoguh, I went to bed praying, and woke up praying about the song. I even dreamt about it. "Can I do this?" "Should I do this?"
I woke up this morning with such a sense of grace. This now is the point of this entry. I woke up this morning broken. Not because of sin, but because apparently God needs to break me right now to fix things. I'm not angry, thank God. I'm still hurting, but in another way. I have clarity about [stuff] that I pray I can hold on to. "Maybe I can sing the song." It keeps going through my head, almost as if God's acclimating me to it. I don't know what I'm gonna tell Patrick [about doing the song or not].
The greatest thing of this morning was only a few moments ago. I was thinking of Robin, the memorial service, and playing the song in my head. I started crying, like I did at the service. All the love ... I sat looking at my Bible not knowing where to read. I opened to Psalms and ended up on Psalm 116. So beautiful. I has the heading, "I Love The Lord." Here's a few of the verses.
Psalm 116:1-7 (ESV)
I love the Lord, because he has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy.
[2] Because he inclined his ear to me,
therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
[3] The snares of death encompassed me;
the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me;
I suffered distress and anguish.
[4] Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!"
[5] Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
[6] The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
[7] Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
I was looking for the way to connect with the song in light of the communion service. "Run to Jesus, broken and needy sinner. Run to Jesus and live." And somehow in the verses, all this along with my gratefulness for God's mercy, deliverance, provision for my time of need, and presence with my heart, all flowed together and translated into the most real sense of love for God I've ever felt. As it sunk it, I wept for joy inside, and cried some on te outside. Prise God that I am broken enought to cry!! In those verses I know I can love God because of what He's done for me. That's why I'm supposed to love Him. I can connect with that, after understanding it with Robin, with [things from my current situation]. And the opening notes of "Come To Jesus" smite me with the love they communicate.
I still don't know if I'll be able to do the song. I will go through this day smitten and broken because of God's love for me, His child. I wish I knew how to better praise Him. Praise be to God!
I hope that there is enough coherency in these thoughts for it to be meaningful for you, if you read through it. I wish you could have shared my heartbeat during those precious minutes as God ministered to my soul. Normally, I wouldn't put such dark stuff in my blog, but I wanted to this time to show the light that God has so graciously shown into my life right now. I truly hope your heart is blessed in reading this post. I just had to share! *smile*
By the way, I am going to do the song.
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